In the first few days I had a few wise people warn me to 1. Know that some people would say some really stupid things. That I should remember that they don't know what to say and are saying what they think will help and are saying it out of love. 2. That I would find out who my real friends are. Some will stick around for the long haul and some will disappear.
What no one ever warned me about though, is how all of a sudden, becoming a widow would apparently mean that I would become a man crazy woman, looking to steal everyone's boyfriends and husbands...at least in some's insecure psychotic thoughts.
As if it isn't bad enough that while the drama is unfolding and the tragedy is building everyone swarms to your side and dotes and loves and swears they will do anything, always be here and just call anytime, only to abandon you after the funeral is over, now it seems my own personal character and morals I have always loved by, are questioned or doubted. The people who slowly made their exit and went back to life and left me in their dust made me feel more lonely. But nothing has hurt me more than those who now act like I am some threat to their own relationship or marriage.
NEWS FLASH PEOPLE....my husband died....and everything about me died right along with him! It's not like you're happily married, head over heels in love, expecting your fifth child, planning your future and wake up to find him dead, your world shattered and your life turned upside down and you all of a sudden think "heeeyy, I think I'll go steal someone's man now!" In fact, let me say that the least of ANY woman's worries, comes from a widow. I valued the sanctity of marriage before my husband passed, and what death has taught me is how it is far more valuable than even I ever realized before. All of a sudden I've become the person trying to help everyone to cherish and love their spouse like never before. To honor, support, love unconditionally and treasure their partner. I haven't become some man hungry whore who's looking to snag a man! If we were friends and you trusted me around your husband before, why on earth would you question me now?!?
Perhaps because you've never walked a day in my new life. Maybe because we were never truly friends before. Obviously you don't know me at all. So allow me to enlighten anyone who wonders...
The love I had for my husband did not die. If anything, it has only grown. Multiplied by the time we had, the memories we've shared and the distance between us. He may not be here, and the law may say I am no longer married; my heart says otherwise. Only my husband has lived in my heart for nearly 15 years and I can't imagine another will ever take space in the heart that has become cold and distant. I don't miss a man....I miss MY MAN!
I can't even think about dating a man without feeling like I would be being unfaithful and cheating on my Love. I know sex has become comparable to eating dinner with someone in our works today, but it hasn't to me. I can't fathom dating, much less allowing someone else to touch me who is not my husband! And should I ever find a way to deal with the guilt and put my self out there...I can promise you is want someone who was mine alone. I've always thought if you could steal a man from his wife he's not worth having because he can be stolen again.
I've even had someone remark that "you look amazing! You've lost so much weight...look out men!" I hate when people comment on my weight loss. Yes I did start working out some. Yes I have changed how I eat. No, I am not trying to lose weight and find me a new man. I lost weight because food has no appeal. Depression has caused me to lose weight...don't congratulate me.
I forced myself to eat because I was pregnant and had four kids to care for who need me. I used to snack and enjoy food. I loved nothing more than to relax and watch a movie and snack. Food has no pleasure anymore. It is simply fuel for my body and what I must consume to function. Most days I rarely remember to eat until I am starving. Grief is all consuming, not to mention raising five kids, solo.
I didn't start working out to lose weight. It's become an outlet, a focus and a way to unwind. When I feel the panic and pain of grief I walk, do push-ups, pop in a workout DVD or do sit ups. It takes my mind off of everything else. Excersize is a great antidepressant as well. Not to mention, my personal health has suffered since I lost my husband. Excersize is also my way to try and get healthy to make sure I will be here for my children. I'm all they have left.
My focus is getting up every day and doing what ever I have to so to take care of my children, myself and our home. I'm a widow. I'm not a man hungry heathen. Lay your insecurities aside...I'm not your issue.
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