Acceptance and realization

I've been pretty distant and isolated the last two weeks. I've worried many friends, but I just felt the need to distance myself from everyone. I hit this point where reality hit me. Like a punch to the gut, knocking the air from my lungs and landing flat on my butt. This is real. This is my life. He is NOT coming back. Coming up on ten months now, you would think it was obvious, but I realized I have sat here and gone through the daily motions of life, not truly living, but waiting on my Life to return. He isn't going to. And no matter how much I punish myself and keep myself from being happy, it will not change a thing. This is what happened. My best friend, father to my children, love,  light of my life, soulmate....DIED. It's taken me nearly ten months to say that, much less type it.

With that realization came some very deep need to soul search, and I couldn't do that with any outside influences. I didn't need anyone to tell me I'm strong, what I should do, how I should feel or where I should go from here. It has to come from me, on my terms, in my time. I realized I have refused to allow myself to truly feel happy, and when I have felt moments of happiness I felt guilty. Guilty that I could possibly smile without him, that I could feel joy with him being gone, that I could ever feel happiness with him not in my life. As if it would mean I never loved him, had forgotten about him, or don't still love him. Grief is irrational. I know all without a doubt that he knew how much I loved him; and I know how much I love him still. But I've had this overwhelming desire to prove to the world that he was, and is, my heart. And why? Why do I care what anyone else thinks? Why do I concern myself with what anyone else believes? So I had to distance myself. To get away from everyone but myself. And I realized...Buddy wants me to be happy. One month before he died, we spoke of the unthinkable. We assumed we were discussing the much later future, something that would never really happen so soon. But I know I have his blessing in whatever I choose with this new life I didn't choose...as long as it honors God, our children and makes me happy.

Acceptance, that what has happened, did in fact happen, and while I didn't choose it, I do have choices in how I handle it now. I can choose to continue to punish myself and make myself miserable, or I can choose to live. I've come to this point that I realize I do not like where I am in life. I do not like how I feel, how bitter and angry I have become or how miserable I continue to be. Labor Day afternoon it dawned on me...make a choice...I can't live like this anymore. I had nothing good, uplifting or positive I could say, so I disconnected. I cried. I screamed. I cussed. I blamed God. I actually prayed that God take me from this world and take my pain away. How do I live in a world without happiness, love, peace, my best friend? How?!? I honestly didn't want to. I clung to my pillows that night, crying, and prayed until I fell asleep.

I had the most amazing dream, probably of my entire life. I layed in Buddy's arms. I could feel my head on his shoulder. The way his chest felt with my hand laying across him. I could smell him and feel him as if he were really there. Whether I conjured him up in my subconscious mind, he visited me, a blessing from God...call it whatever you want and make it whatever makes you feel comfortable. All I know is that I woke up with a sense of peace and comfort that I haven't felt since I woke up and found him laying in bed, having left me, without saying goodbye. I won't say it doesn't still hurt. Even typing this, the pain that explodes from my chest and the tears that fall from my eyes are almost unbearable. However, I had two choices: Join him and stop this madness and stop punishing everyone around me, including myself. Or, live! When I woke up, for the first time, I had this sense of urgency to get busy living! And so I began....

It will take time. It will take a lot of hard times and more inner battles I'm sure. But I know what needs to be done now, and I'm ready to tackle it all head on. I sat down and wrote out my priorities and things that need to happen. It's time I stop pushing people away and get myself back to the world of the living. This house is mine and it's time I start making it feel like mine. This bedroom is mine, alone, and it needs to be my sanctuary. Keeping things of his all over my house, that cause me pain, are not healthy. Refusing to change things or buying things that he would like, are not healthy. This is my life and I cannot keep myself in a state of grief to prove my love. I know what I feel and what I want, to hell with anyone who disagrees or thinks it's wrong! I've been making decisions and facing things I've been avoiding and it's empowering!

The fact is, for nearly 10 months I HAVE been doing everything he would have done. Maybe I can't remodel the house or work on the cars or do things as quickly as he would be able, but I'm getting it done. So many curve balls have been thrown at me, hardships have occurred and unexpected things have popped up and yes it's overwhelmed me at times but I've done it! I realized that while it may not have been how I wanted things to happen, I've handled it all and so far so good! Single handedly I have kept everything paid, the kids well taken care of, made financial decisions that have paid off, done home repairs myself, had major car work done, bought new appliances, and so much more. I hate people telling me how strong I am because I haven't felt strong. I realized though....yes, I am strong!! I'm not just surviving the worst nightmare of my life, I'm thriving! Do I want Buddy back? Every second! Do I miss him? Like crazy! Can I do this alone? Yes! Would he be proud of me? Absolutely!! And THAT is what keeps me going!

The only reason I have not felt strong or given myself any credit is because I'm miserable and haven't allowed myself to feel anything but pain. I've allowed grief to swallow me and convince me that I can never be happy again. But here I am. I am still alive and I want my life back! I can't have my old life back. I can't even have the old me back. Pain of this magnitude changes you. And I'm thankful for that. I can't be shallow or superficial or blissfully unaware anymore. My husband changed who I was as a person and made me believe in love, laughter and life. Losing him cannot take that away. He would not want me to give up and stop smiling because of him. He always told me that the only thing he wanted to do in his life was make me happy and see me smile. Everything he did, he did for me and our kids. He'd say constantly "I wanna leave you guys with something to be proud of." He was always talking about the home we bought and renovated and plans we had for the future. But he succeeded...he left us with much to be proud of! For fifteen years I was blessed to be loved unconditionally by a man that taught me how precious I am and how deserving I am of happiness and love. Making a shrine to him in our home and refusing to move forward is not loving him. Choosing to live each day and treasure the life I am blessed with and moving forward to make a new life where the kids and I will be happy....THAT is loving him! THAT is honoring him.

What tomorrow brings, I have no idea. But I cannot look to the future with fear anymore. Whatever comes, I know I will allow God to guide me and have Buddy tucked safely in my heart and welcome whatever comes our way. I will forever be changed because of the man he was, the love he gave and the memories he left behind. I know every day that I can find a reason to smile will make him proud. I'm ready to start my new life, forever grateful for the man that taught me to love, laugh and live thanking God.

God, I don't know Your plan for me, but I pray You use me. Use our story and our lives as testaments to Your unfaltering grace, love and work. Allow us to be beacons of Your light and shine proudly in Your image. Allow us to find peace in Your work and rejoice that Buddy is with You, and not let us be consumed by our selfish desires. I know my Love is happy in Your kingdom...may I find happiness in this world without him...guide my steps to finish the work ahead of me, to Your glory, as a faithful servant, honoring Your Holy Name. Amen


Acceptance has been a hard pill to swallow. Realizations have been painful. But I feel a come back brewing...there is nothing that can stop me but myself....and my story isn't over yet!!!