9 months

August 15, 2014

Today is Friday. A day I loathe. Each Friday means another week has passed without him by my side. Today is also the 15th, which marks another month without him. I never considered the impact it would have on me to have these two days join forces and knock me on my butt the way they have. I couldn't sleep all night and just kept thinking of our last week. How I wish I could go back and change the hands of time. This isn't how it was supposed to be. In just 9 months, so much has changed. Would he even know me anymore? The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and prided herself on caring for her family, making our house a home and giving my all to everyone else...she's not here anymore. I always knew he was so much a part of me and that who I was, was also based on US. But I always tried to keep myself defined and thought I was an Independant, unique person all my own as well as half of him. In the last nine months, my greatest stugfle has been "who am I now?"  I realize my independence was because he enabled me to be Independant. I alone was not independant, together, WE were Independant. Between the two of us, there was nothing that could stand in our way. No job too big. No task too overwhelming. We were an unstoppable force. Alone, I'm just me, floundering and running to try and keep up, yet always falling short. The weight of all life entails was not meant to be carried alone, and I feel it every single day. I've learned to reach out and just roll with the punches, but it's exhausting. I feel like I'm one person, doing the work of ten. I miss my better half. He would know what to do. He would know how to comfort me. He would pick up where I fall short and together, it always worked out. I'm not saying I'm the weakest link...I know I have my strengths as well. That's where we were unstoppable! Where he was weak, I was strong. Where I was weak, he was strong. The perfect duo. Complimenting each other and walking through this world together. Now I walk alone, and I hate it!

Before I go any further, yes I know I have my children. I adore my babies and no one has ever doubted that. On the same hand, I'm tired of people reminding me..."you have your kids to live for now", "at least you have kids to keep you busy",  "you have to be strong for them". The list could go on, and I'm more than aware of all of these things. I'm thankful every single day for these five miracles that are my children. With them, also comes a lot more grief though. They are a constant reminder of our love, our life, as well as what will never be again. Each day one of them, or all of them, have moments of success, milestones, firsts, special events and funny or cute things they do or say and I think "he should he here for this!" Every time my heart leaps with joy for them, it also breaks a little more. M just started high school this year. T started 4th grade. J started 1st grade. Daddy's boys, all growing up without him. Then there's C, our only daughter, Daddy's girl, changing and growing each and every day, without him. How can she be daddy's girl if daddy isn't here anymore? And A...how my heart breaks every time I look into his chubby little grins. He never even got a chance to meet his daddy. I show him pictures all the time and tell him "that's dada, he loved you so much and couldn't wait to meet you." I wonder each day, how his presence would affect who they are. So much of who children become is based on who they are around. The four who were around him picked up hobbies, little catch phrases, games they played with only him and so many other things, simply because he was with them, teaching them, raising them and sharing their lives. Without him, they will not be the same people they would have been with him, and I see this clearly. Each day that passes, they lose a little more of who they were with him here. They grow and change and I'm their sole influence. I cannot be him. I cannot replace him. I cannot do with them the things he would be doing. Children should not have to grow up without their Daddy. It's just that simple.

And yet, I have faith. I clung to my faith in the early weeks and months. That isn't as easy now. I have to make a conscious effort every single day to remind myself of God's plan. That He knows better than I. That He is in charge, not I. That while I don't understand it, sometimes get angry over it and always doubt it lately....He does. That is another obstacle that I struggle with. My faith, and sometimes what little remains. I've never been angry with God. Who am I to question Him? But I find myself doing that a lot now. How is this life better for my kids? How is it good for me to be so alone? How is it fair that my honey did so much for You, yet You couldn't give him more time? Then there are days that I'm reminded how my lack of faith and questions are self centered and I realize I grieve solely for myself and my kids, because I know without a doubt that Buddy is truly happy and at peace now. He is with his Master and my soul rejoices for him. He made it, and for that I rejoice, but for us, I mourn.

How do you become content or ever feel true happiness again, when it feels as though you're drowning? When everything you do reminds you of what you miss? Even simple daily tasks like shopping can bring me to tears...if he were here I'd buy him this, this was his favorite snack, etc. No longer is there anyone to share this life with. That's what I miss the most. It's not the big things everyone thinks about. It's the little things we overlook. Driving up to a house knowing he's waiting inside. Calling him on the phone just to tell him something one of the kids said. Sharing a laugh. Being able to vent my frustrations and him knowing just what to say to calm me down. Seeing him enjoy his favorite meal I prepared just for him. Sitting beside him and saying nothing at all, but just his mere presence being a comfort. His hugs that made me feel secure. His hand on my lower back just to say I'm here. Hearing "I love you" every single day, several times a day. Cuddling on the couch watching stupid movies. Laughing uncontrollably at things no one else would understand, much less find funny. Hidden love notes. Waking up to face the day, with him as my partner. Hearing "you're beautiful" when I feel everything but. I could go on for days and never get the point across about how much I miss this man. There isn't one thing I can name that I miss...it's every single moment we've shared and every single minute that we can't, all filled with his absence.

I've made it nine months. We've made it nine months. I used to always say "don't marry someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Marry the one person you can't imagine spending it without." That's exactly what I did. I never really had a choice. From the moment we met, it was us. I could not imagine a world where he didn't exist. I never wanted a life that didn't include him, and yet here I am. I walk through life each day, without him, trying to figure out how to go on. I was blessed with 14 years. I don't know how to feel about life, how I once felt. I hope this isn't what my life will always look like. I hope I will feel real happiness again, and not this facade of being ok. I hope I learn to feel content again, happy with my life and who I am. I hope to learn who I am now. I hope God has a plan for me.

I hope.....