Time...

Time is such a peculiar thing. I used to always think that time flew when you were having fun. Hectic, stressful and boring days seemed to drag on forever. I never considered the impact of time during these days. If time flew by before, it's seemed to have sped up even more now.

I remember being younger and couldn't wait to be all grown up so I could do whatever I wanted. I thought there was some magical element to being an adult and that I could make my life and my future whatever I wanted. And to some degree you can. Time went so slowly. I counted down the days to each event that was important to the younger me...end of the school day, my birthday, Christmas, summer break, etc. I've done much the same in my adult life. Counting down to my favorite days. Time goes much faster when you're older. I believe that! In the blink of an eye, 15 of the best years of my life have gone by in a flash. I wish I hadn't counted down so much, because truly it was all the insignificant days in between the big events that were the most precious.

As I sit here I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it has been 287 days, 41 weeks, since I last heard his voice, saw his smile, kissed his lips, heard his heart beat or felt secure and happy. I somehow forget that time keeps passing. I find myself talking and comment that something just happened X amount of time ago, counting like it's still November 2013. Then I have to remeber that 9 months has passed and add that to it. I wonder how you "forget" that time kept moving. But I realize because for me, time stopped that day. My life has become a filing cabinet of Before Buddy, With Buddy and After Buddy. Some days it feels as though it was a lifetime ago, that passed too quickly, and was just a wonderful dream. I wish to go back to sleep and dream it again. It feels almost as if that time didn't even happen and I think back on meeting him, getting engaged, our wedding, the births of our children, happy times and I always think "how did I not know that would be the last, the only and would I do it again?" The answer of course is yes. I would do it all over again in a heart beat!

Where has the time gone since? Before, it seemed a long time from one year to the next. After, time is fleeting and I feel as though it's passing me by. Maybe because I live in a fog. So consumed by missing, longing and frantic searching that I am wishing it away. In the days after, I couldn't imagine time continuing and being where I am now. Yet here I am. And other than a few big events, I have no memory of this last 9 months.

Halloween was a time I always looked forward to. WE always looked forward to! Not only did we enjoy the actual day itself, but starting in the month of October, it signified so much to us. It was the start of cool weather, our anniversary (a treasured day!), activities and traditions of holidays with the kids, hunting season for Buddy and from October to January we lived it up and had a blast! Every weekend was filled with activities and family time. As I was shopping yesterday I noticed Halloween stuff being put out already. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I can't think of Fall, pumpkins and holidays without thinking about the day we married and all the years of these 4 special months we've celebrated since. Halloween was the last happy holiday we had. And for the first time, I didn't feel like just 9 months has passed. It hit me that Buddy has now been gone almost a full year! How did that happen? Where has the time gone? In some ways I'm thankful it seems to be passing so quickly. But it also saddens me deeply because I'm reminded that there are still reasons to cherish the time here. I have five kids who I am blessed with time to watch them grow and see them smile. Yet I am in such constant stuggle with just trying to stay above water, that unintentionally, life is passing me by.

My head tells me I have to find a way to pick up and start living again. To start enjoying life and stop counting the day until I can be with him again. While I'm counting the days to leave this world, I'm wasting a blessing of time IN this world. My heart tells me another story...how do you truly feel happy and love again, when your heart is shattered in a million pieces and everything reminds you that you don't FEEL alive? I'm trying to be his wife when he's not here, and struggling to be a good mom to the ones who ARE here. I told myself I would take one year and allow myself to do whatever got me through. Here we are. In three months it will be one year, and I am no closer to living as I was the day I died with him. I have work to do. I owe it to my children. I even owe it to myself! I'm realizing that my guilt of having time he doesn't have is stopping me from enjoying my life. I'm trying to come to terms with his life being complete. It's not over, it's complete. He finished his mission, met his goal and left us all with such love and memories. It doesn't feel like enough though.  I want more. But I'm finding that reliving the old is keeping me from making new. My time is not over. I have work to do and memories to leave of my own. I just don't know where to start....